Hesitation
by anime addicted help please
Summary: When frisk goes to summer camp, all seems normal. but when they get back they've been changed immensely, and not for the better. Will sans be able to figure out what's wrong with them before it's too late? MAD TRIGGER WARNINGS INSIDE. ONE SHOT


**This one is of a much more sensitive topic for me. It's based off of personal experiences, though the circumstances don't exactly match up. If you have ever been in a situation like this, let me know, and I can help you deal with the emotions. I've gotten through them before.**

 **MAD TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR RAPE AND/OR SUICIDE**

Sans never figured it out.

After they got to the surface, everything seemed normal with frisk. They acted as they always had. For years after they made it, frisk went on as they always had, determined, unwavering, never hesitant. Then, they signed up for a camp for the summer, lasting two weeks. They were allowed to send emails to family members every day, at 5:00, and check the response in the morning. The first five days, emails came daily, talking about how much they loved the camp and how they made some nice friends. Then the sixth day came.

Frisk's emails had arrived around 5:10 everyday. Nine minutes to write, and a minute to send. But that day, no email came. Digital silence. Toriel was freaking out, she wanted to know why her child wouldn't send an email. Why would it fail? Was it the Internet? Did frisk forget? Did frisk's activities last longer than usual? Toriel hardly slept that night. The next day, at the normal time the email came. It sounded... A lot more resigned.

 _Hey mom. Sorry the email didn't come yesterday. Bad internet. We made s'mores and zip lined today. It was fun. See you in 8 days. Say hey to everyone for me._

 _Frisk_

This was concerning. Frisk's emails were always long, sprawling masses of words, run on sentences and exclamation points everywhere. This sounded... Numb. Like frisk was in such a state of shock that they didn't even realize what they were doing. They received three days of short, broken emails before the normal ones returned, but there was an underlying panic in the tone that they couldn't ignore. Soon everyone was in on the confusion and fear for frisk's safety, reading the emails daily to make sure frisk was still ok

Finally, the day came for frisk or be picked up from their camp, and Sans and Toriel were elected as the lucky two to go pick them up. Toriel climbed into the driver's seat carefully, buckled her seat belt and got ready to hurry to pick frisk up. Sans rushed into the passenger, slammed his seatbelt down, and grabbed his cup of ketchup, ready to rush to frisk's aiding case of something awful. Sans was the most worried of all the people there. The drive was three hours. Three hours of tense silence and panic.

When they did arrive at the camp, Toriel stood up out of the car, and saw frisk standing there. Waiting, looking around for Toriel. When they saw her, they didn't rush over and hug Toriel close, in a big rush of happiness as expected, but solemnly walked over, giving a weak smile.

"My child, are you ok? You seem lethargic."

" _Yeah, I'm good. Just really tired."_ Frisk signed to their mother. They climbed into the the back seat and closed their eyes.

"Do you wish to attend this camp next year?" Toriel looked back at Frisk, who locked up in the backseat for just a moment, before shaking their head an adamant no. "Ok then, my child."

Since that camp, frisk had been acting strangely. For two weeks they had been dead, acting very off. After that... Sans almost considered it worse. They acted just as usual, but they were slightly off. It was as though their whole world had been shifted three inches to the left, like they were a black and white film played with an out of tune piano.

Certain things would set them off. It they met anyone with a certain name, they would lock up and never really talk to that person again. If there were certain conversation topics that would light a fire in them that they never seemed to care about before. There were jokes that would send them into a fit of rage where they furiously signed why the jokes were not ok, and that shouldn't be joked about. But what worried sans most was what all of these little set off were all based around.

Rape.

Whenever it came up in conversation, frisk would find a way to politely excuse themself. Whenever they met a boy whose name was Martiz, they would never talk to them again, no matter how nice they were. Whenever anyone made jokes about the subject, frisk became a time bomb that was about to explode. They very nearly ripped the head off of whoever had spoken! Sans needed to know of anything like this had ever happened to frisk, but whenever camp was even mentioned around them they would find a reason they had to go.

A few months after they got back from camp, sans and frisk were out on the town, they had just had a nice lunch at grillby's and we're hanging out in the park, when a boy walked by. He was African American, tall and lanky. His hair was cut close to his head. He had brown eyes and a warm smile, and seemed like a boy that was nice and kind. He was walking with a group of people, three girls and two boys. They all seemed like they were having a good time. When the boy saw frisk, he walked over. "Frisk!" He said, his voice calm and pleasant. "How are you? It's been a while, huh?"

Frisk immediately locked up and nodded once, clearly uncomfortable. "Glad to see you live in this area! We'll have to hang out sometime, right?" From a glance, sans thought, his tone sounded pleasant. But there was an undertone of something awful and bitter, the first bad thing this boy had ever seemingly said or done. Frisk nodded once more, this one being even more curt if possible.

"See you around." Frisk nodded, they usually would nod or smile happily at the prospect of seeing one of their friends. But now they seemed solemn and forlorn. After the boy had left, he turned to frisk to ask them about it.

"So frisk," He began choosing his words carefully. "who was that?"

" _Old friend from camp... We need to get home, I told mom I would bake a pie with her today._ " Frisk stood up and started to walk in the direction of their house. Sans was very concerned, but sighed and followed behind them, lightly placing a hand on her shoulder. Frisk jumped just a bit, and then calmed down. Sans muttered something under his breath.

"What happened to you kid?"

~page break~

Tonight was the most excited Frisk had been in a while. They were going to a concert with monster kid, one of their favorite bands was performing in the middle of town. They and MK were dressing up, putting on some of their nicest clothing, trying to look as good as possible. Sans was glad to see them off, they were walking there and back on their own. Frisk let their family know that they would be back late in the night, midnight at the earliest. Sending them off, sans smiled, watching MK and frisk step off into the distance.

He had no idea what a horror show that night would be.

~page break~

Frisk and MK were having the time of their lives hanging out at the concert. The danced, they sang along, at one point, frisk even made eye contact with the lead singer! Halfway through the concert, however, MK got a text. MK's mom had a family emergency, and had to go to another town. Miles away. Meaning MK had to go home. Frisk said goodbye, and stayed at the concert. They were not missing their favorite song!

When they suddenly felt a familiar pair of hands lock around their waist.

Shakily, they raised their hands in an attempt to stop him. " _Stop. Please, I don't want this. Go away."_ From behind them, Martiz let out a low and sickening chuckle. He moved his hands to their wrists.

"Now why would I do that? This will be just as fun as last time." Frisk knew that this night would be awful. They shivered at the memories of his hands snaking over them. They felt his hands trace the same patterns, his toung touch their neck. They hated this, they didn't want this, but they couldn't scream. They couldn't let anyone know, because around them no one knew sign language. Except for him.

The band started playing their favorite song.

Hours later, frisk was stumbling home, with tears leaking down from their eyes and broken shock written all over their face. It was 3 am, and no cars were on the street, the sidewalks echoing with silence and frisk's own footsteps. The moon was was half full, casting a gentle light over the city. The stars shone brightly from their places, twinkling and nodding like nothing was wrong. The street lamps cast cold metal light down on the broken teen, their shadow falling ahead of them. The house sat as normal, with a light in the kitchen and the smell of cinnamon and butterscotch wafting out. Frisk unlocked the door and stepped inside. It was empty, which was a good thing. They didn't want anyone to see what they were looked like, or were doing for that matter.

Frisk coughed heavily and stepped into the kitchen, looking at the pie sitting on the counter, and the note beside it. _Welcome home, my child. I had to go to bed, as it was getting late, but I left you a pie. Feel free to take a slice. I will allow you to sleep in tomorrow. Love, Toriel._ They followed what it said, and took a large slice, biting into the sweet perfection that was fire magic cooked pie. They usually loved this taste, but it tasted soiled because of the way their mouth was. With a sigh, they finished the pie and walked over to the bathroom. They brushed their teeth, and opened the cabinet.

Bottles of pills sat on the shelf.

Frisk read over each one, trying to find the one that would kill them the easiest. They eventually settled in their sleeping pills, which Alphys made for them when she found out they had insomnia. They grabbed the bottle, and sighed. They knew there were around 30 pills left, maybe a couple more or less. They stepped into the room. They guessed that they should,leave some kind of suicide note, seeing as they were leaving without any warning or expectation. They picked up a piece of paper and a pencil, and wrote.

 _My family,_

 _What else could I do? Where else could I turn? Camp... Stuff happened. A boy raped me. And last night, at the concert he found me again and he wouldn't stop and I don't know why he wouldn't stop because I begged but he wouldn't stop_

 _I chose this route for a reason. This should be the most peaceful and easy way, with the least amount of stuff for you all to clean up. There are a few things I'd like to say to each of you individually, so I'll write those here._

 _Mettaton, I love you. Never give up on your dreams of being a star, you already are doing so well. Keep smiling, and keep on as you are. You are amazing. Also, find napstablook and tell him how much you care. He'll be so happy. I love you._

 _Alphys, you are not a mistake. You are fantastic, and everything you've don't for monsters and humans both is amazing! You are kind and nice and I have no doubt that you will go so far in this world. I love you._

 _Undyne, you are just plain and simple awesome! You care so deeply for everyone around you, and want the best for them. I don't expect you to stay strong for everyone, but I think you'll recover first, so keep an eye on everyone, 'Kay? I love you._

 _Papyrus, where do I start? You're so genuine of a person, your laughter is real. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, you're so great. The great papyrus. Never forget that. Don't stop making spaghetti, you are a master chef. I love you._

 _Asgore, the past does not rule who you are. You made a mistake in the past but you tried so hard to to fix it. Grow your garden, be happy and hopeful. I know you'll be able to keep the citizens from mourning my death too long. I love you._

 _Sans, you were my best friend. You were with me through thick and thin, through grillby's and near death experiences. i don't Want you to blame yOurself for this. You are in No way aT fault. I know you're a Lot smarter than yOu let on, And Don't waste your brain. I love you._

 _Mom, I love you so much, I love your pie, I love your bad puns, I love your laugh, I love your kind smiles. I love everything about you, but don't blame yourself. At all. You saved me so many times without even knowing it. You saved so many children, so many times. You saved the life of many a child. So don't give up mom. Maybe adopt a kid? I love you so, so much, mom._

 _Thanks for the memories,_

 _Frisk Dreemurr_

They wanted to leave the secret message to sans. They capitalized or un capitalized letters when they should be the other to spell out a small mini-message. They wanted to be clear of their intentions. They left the not on the kitchen table, and walked over to the bottle of pills. Sitting at their desk, they sorted them. 6 piles of 4 pills each. Twenty four pills total, definitely enough to kill themself with. They picked up the first pile, and realized they'd need water. they grabbed a glass, and sat back down, this time fully prepared. They finished the first pile of pills and reached for the next. After three they felt very full, and almost puked, but they kept pressing. Another pile. More.

Sans, meanwhile, needed some water as he had this unwavering feeling of _something bad is going to happen and I need to be prepared._ He couldn't shake off this feeling, so he went down to grab a glass of water. When he saw a piece of paper sitting on the counter. He skimmed it, only reading over the first two paragraphs and and the one addressed to him, he immediately picked up on the hidden message. "I won't load." The kid was really about to commit suicide! He sprinted into their room, to see them choking back pills, hand shakily setting the water on the desk. How many had they taken? He teleported beside them, and frisk turned their head to face them. Their pupils lethargically glanced up at him, unfocused.

This wasn't frisk! Frisk's eyes were bright and alive and so damn hopeful that he couldn't stand it! Frisk wasn't cold and dead and dying and crying, frisk wasn't usually broken. He glanced over them, seeing ripped clothing with stains coating it,blood and something else staining everything. He couldn't stand seeing frisk like this, frisk wasn't supposed to be broken, frisk was the one who carried and uplifted those who are.

Frisk shouldn't be dead.

"Kid, what the hell? How-" he realized his words would be useless when frisk started to convulse, eyes rolling back into their head and spit gathering at their mouth. He panicked, not sure immediately of what to do, but making a hopeful guess. He figured he should get the pills out of them, and he began reaching down their throat and pressing. He felt them starting to retch, and he was unable to move his fingers at a speed fast enough to keep them clean. He repeated this process until frisk was heaving, nothing left in them for them to puke out.

Frisk raised their shaking hands up to ask sans a question. " _Why? Why did you stop me? I can't live with this! I'm filthy I'm ruined! Let me die, sans. Don't you hate me?"_

 _"_ Kiddo, no... I couldn't hate you! I could never! Your so kind, and smart, and nice, and just all around great... Listen, I'm getting Toriel. We are talking about this, and calling the police.

Frisk began to rapid pace shake their head, begging sans not to call their mother. "Nope, to late. Waaaaaaaay too late." He turned his head towards the door. "TORIEL! Get in here! PLEASE!"

Frisk looked down, no Toriel ran in, seeing the vomit all over frisk's desk. "Oh dear. Sans, if frisk sick?"

Frisk grimaced, and sans looked up. "No Toriel..." It suddenly occurred to him that he had no idea how Toriel would respond to this, or if this was really smart. "Frisk just... Tried to kill themself. They took a bunch of pills, and I... I found them almost dead... I made them puke up the pills..." Using the hand that was not coated in spit and puke, he passed Toriel the note. The goat woman silently read it over, going through twice to make sure that this was real, not just some cruel prank. Sans looked broken, and frisk was staring at the ground.

"Frisk, it's ok. You don't need to be afraid. I'm here. I'm here." Frisk ran at their mother, tears streaming down their face, hiccuping sobs racking their body. They sobbed, and their hands signed broken bits of words, trying to say messages and thoughts. Sans walked behind them and gently rubbed their back, smiling. This went on for a while. Frisk looked up and Toriel began to ask questions and talk.

"My child, eventually our friends will have to be made aware of this. Do you want to call them over now, or later? You cannot sleep tonight, as I am not sure if the drugs are still in your system, or whether they have all been purged."

" _Mom... I want them here soon... But how are you so calm? Why aren't you panicking?"_

 _"_ My child, before you, I had children. Chara, the human one, was heavily depressed. They were greatly saddened by the world, and tried to die. I stopped them and helped them through it. I can help you to. I shall call and gather our friends, sans, take them downstairs and give them something to drink. There is no doubt that their throat must be dry."

"sure thing, tori." Sans took frisk by the hand then thought a moment and picked them up. He carried them down to the living room, setting the. On the sofa. "Spider cider, water, or Gatorade?"

Frisk thought for a moment before they eventually decided. " _spider cider._ " Sans stepped into the kitchen, grabbed a mug, and filled it with the warm liquid. He stepped back over to frisk, who was sitting on the couch as though they hadn't just attempted suicide. The same they always here. Just a bit off.

"Kiddo... Please drop the act. You're tearing apart at the seams, but you act like nothing's wrong. Show us how you're feeling... Please kiddo, I want to know you're ok. I will help." Frisk took a deep breath, before raising their hands to respond.

" _Sans, I'm about to crash, with sobbing and breaking sobs, and I'd rather wait till everyone is here and understands what's happening. Also... Could you get me a change of clothing? This is far from comfortable."_ Sans glanced over them, seeing all the blood and tearing and other stains, and nodded, before walking up to their room. He grabbed the most comfortable pair of pajamas he saw, and as a last thought, some underwear. He passed it to frisk who stepped into the bathroom.

It took all of frisk's will not to grab their shaving razor.

They changed out of those clothing, and made a side note to burn them. (Which was a shame, that was one of their best pairs of jeans.) They slid into the soft pajama bottoms, feeling the way the pants hung out from their body, comfortable, loose, easy. They slipped into the shirt and felt it drape over them, easy, soft, loose, not tight, not hands. They smiled weakly and stepped out of the bathroom onto the sofa. Sans was waiting, tapping the seat beside him. Risk sat on the aforementioned spot, and snuggled next to him. They felt his cold, hard, bones and took comfort in that it wasn't flesh. They felt the worn, old hoodie and knew it wasn't a t-shirt. They waited.

10 minutes later the doorbell rang. Toriel walked over, and there was a loud proclamation. "TORIEL, THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT. I HAD ALMOST FINISHED UP MY SPAGHETTI!"

"At two am?"

"WHEN ELSE?"

"I'm not sure, papyrus." She led him over to the sofa, and sat him down on the other side of sans. He smiled at frisk, and was about to speak when sans gave him a look of, " _this is really serious and you should probably shut up."_ He closed his mouth, and looked at the TV, staring into the blank black screen. The doorbell chimed once more. Undyne and Alphys stood at the door, both with solemn faces. They knew something strange was going on. Alphys sat beside frisk, and Undyne sat on the armchair to the left of them. finally, metatton arrived, followed shortly by asgore. frisk knew they would have to speak up soon.

sans looked over at them, and spoke first. "do you want me to tell them? I don't know if you can…" Frisk thought for a moment. yes, it would be difficult to tell their friends. But only they knew some of the important details. frisk eventually decided.

" _I'll tell them most of it… but you tell them about tonight when I cut off."_ frisk took a deep breath, standing and walking into the center of the semicircle of chairs, standing in front of the TV. They raised their hands gently, slowly, deliberately, not wanting a word of this to be misunderstood. " _at camp, all those months ago, I was raped. It was a boy named... Martiz."_ his name was signed viscously and harshly. " _I was too scared to tell anyone, because he said if I told… he'd go after all of my friends. So I held it in. I saw him at the park a few weeks ago. and last night… he saw me again at the concert and… he acted again. I stumbled home... "_ their hands began to shape a word, but fell to the side. They looked at sans pleadingly, begging him to take over. He stood up and walked over beside frisk, setting a reassuring hand on their shoulder.

Sans looked at the crowd, and held frisk a little closer. "When frisk got home... They attempted suicide. I found them and managed to save them, but I was almost too late. They almost died. I..." He scraped his upper teeth over the lower ones, in a nervous habit akin to biting his lip. Frisk looked up just a bit, just barely able to see all of their friends. They each had a different look.

Undyne looked shocked and hurt. Ashamed, almost, ashamed of the fact that she hadn't noticed her best friends sorrow. She glanced at frisk's face, begging for some kind of explanation, but they just looked away.

Glancing away, at Asgore, who seemed crestfallen. He was looking down, his expression similar to when frisk fought him. He was looking down, he refused to looke them in the eye. He was full of sadness and regret. Frisk glanced to Toriel.

Toriel gave frisk an encouraging and patient smile, gently smiling with a look in her eye that said, "I am here." Toriel was calm. Toriel, their mom, was going to help them through, and help everyone else to. They turned to papyrus.

Paps was sobbing into his brother's shoulder. Sans was turned towards him, patting him on a the back, gently and slowly calming him down. Beside paps, Mettaton was rubbing his back and muttering calming phrases. For the first time in forever, Mettaton was speechless.

Then they turned to Alphys.

Dear god was she a reck. She was shaking and crying and snot was running down her face. She couldn't comprehend that frisk, the person who had saved her from herself was falling into a pit of despair, was where she had been. She couldn't believe that frisk had pulled her out of that very same pit just a few years ago. She couldn't believe that frisk was almost gone. Forever. She... She didn't want to think on what she herself might do when frisk was dead.

Alphys came over to frisk and clung to them, sobbing, they wanted to be sure that they were really there.

frisk felt their family around them and knew that they were safe. For the first time in forever, they didn't want to hide.

 **so…. something similar to what happened to frisk happened to me and it hurt. If you've ever felt like frisk let me know.**

 **ALSO, HOLY CRAP. 10 PAGES.**

 **4,155 words in the story.**


End file.
